It’s been almost 10 months since you left us.
Yet, I feel like I just saw you yesterday.
The kids are okay one day and not okay the next.
They have kept their grades up…straight As for both on their first report cards this year.
But, it’s still weird to be at school events without you.
And it’s weird for them not to see you in the audience…just me.
It’s always going to be “just me” from now on.
Grief is still sitting with us and while we wish it would leave, I understand that it will always be with us.
We won’t ever get over your death.
And if anyone thinks we will, they are unrealistic.
I think it will just diminish over time.
We are heading into the big holiday seasons without you.
Halloween is tomorrow.
I will sit in the car alone while Zoe takes Gigi around the neighborhood…neither one wants mom tagging along.
It’s supposed to snow anyway, maybe it will be a quick trick-or-treat night.
And, you know what, I don’t want someone else sitting in the car with me.
I don’t need a replacement body sitting next to me.
Because it’s not real.
It’s not my life.
Yet, it is my life now.
Whether I like it or not.
Thanksgiving is coming up and you always made the family such a delicious turkey.
It won’t be the same day without you.
I’ll make some pies and I’ll attempt to make the cranberry relish that you always created for those of us who don’t eat cranberries out of a can.
I hope I can do it.
Both the cooking and the ability to get through the day holding the girls’ hands.
Both girls need their hands held more often than they used to.
And I feel like we all like to be at home more than ever now.
I think that’s because home is where we last saw you walking and talking.
And then it will be Christmas…it’s going to be strange.
Strange that it will just be the three of us.
Another new normal.
We are heading to Florida two days after Christmas.
If this trip goes okay, maybe we will plan an “After Christmas Vacation” every December.
Somewhere warm, though.
You know how I dislike the cold.
Gigi says she now hates snow.
She used to love sledding and building snowmen.
But, the snow stole her daddy from her.
So, she doesn’t have the same love affair anymore.
Oh, The bird is still around!
The cardinal bird that has been around since right after you died.
Did you know that?
You did, didn’t you?
It still pecks on our front door, flies up to look into the window in the door.
It hasn’t hurled itself into the dining room window in a few months.
We all smile when we hear it knocking on the front door.
A friend just sent me a link to another blog, written by a woman who also lost her husband, and she sees her husband in the butterflies who surround her children when they are doing everyday things.
It makes me feel better to read about stuff like that…makes me realize that other people talk to animals, too.
Are you that bird knocking on our door?
Another friend thinks you are guiding the bird to do that.
Whatever is happening, we like the bird.
And, no, it’s not all cardinal birds that I see you in.
It’s just this one male cardinal bird that dips it’s tail at me when I look at him through the window.
We still miss you.
We still wish you hadn’t left us.
It still seems unreal.
It still seems that you are at work everyday.
We don’t really like going to Millikin anymore.
Gigi is still in choir, so we do go there for her rehearsals and performances.
But, we try not to go into the building where your office was.
We get our Starbucks somewhere else now.
And we buy our bagels at Panera instead of Einstein.
Things change…that’s a given for everyone.
Sometimes we are forced to make these changes without our official consent.
Which is what happened when you died.
Missing you every day…