A Million Miles Away…

School days and after-school activities are taking up most of our time these days.

Zoe is in high school now, so I am constantly picking her up after the school bell has rung it’s last sound of the day because she’s at a club or a rehearsal.

I told her before her freshman year started that the more she was involved in school activities in high school, the more she would enjoy high school.

I’m very proud of all that she accomplishes every day that she is alive.

She makes the most of her time and she is a go-getter.

Gigi is as well. She goes and gets everything in front of her. She’s a perfectionist.

Yet, Gigi gets rattled when things don’t go as planned.

As was evidenced when we attended a wedding a few weeks ago.

A long time friend married her girlfriend and we were invited to the ceremony and reception.

So, we traveled to Chicago with some new clothes in our suitcases and prepared to celebrate with people I have known for 30+ years.

Little did we know, it would be a hard day for us to get through.

I have attended school events without my husband since his passing and, while it’s hard to be there without him, I usually do well.

But, something about being at a wedding full of couples…it was too much.

Too much for me and too much for Gigi.

Gigi saw other dads there, dancing with their daughters, posing for pictures with their daughters.

Tears filled her eyes and so she and I took a walk around the building.

She sat in a hallway on a couch and got hugs from her “aunties”…my friends who have known her since the day she was born.

I am really good at putting on a happy face, giggling with my girlfriends and gossiping along with them.

We certainly know how to get each other laughing!

But, inside is a different story.

I miss my husband.

I miss him in everything I do without him.

I believe he was with us at the wedding…

I felt him standing next to me as I stood to watch the couple exchange their vows.

I could see him sitting next to his daughters as they sat and ate their wedding dinner…remembering how nice he always looked when he put a tie on.

I was the first of my friends to leave for the evening…it was very early.

My friend, who lost her young son some years ago, said we should just wear our funeral black and cover our heads so that everyone knows we will always be mourning.

Because some people don’t seem to understand.

And I realize why they don’t get it.

They haven’t experienced a tragic loss in their adult life.

I can only hope that they can attempt to get it.

I will find my way out someday.

Someday.

So, while I am physically present…

-picking my kids up at school

-waving to my daughter as she drums away in the marching band

-eating brunch with friends

-attending a wedding with people I have known longer than I knew my husband

my fractured heart is a million miles away…

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