I think we have started to really realize that we are now a group of three instead of a group of four.

The kids are moving forward with school…last year of elementary school and first year of high school.

I have kept them in all of their activities…dance, trampoline, tumbling, choir.

Doing everything that they have always done.

Reminding them how proud dad is of them as they get awards, perform-perform-perform.

I think it helps the kids (and me) to stay busy.

Busy doing what we have always done.

Keeping him in our minds while we are doing our busy things is just as important.

I am constantly telling the girls stories about dad…when we first dated…when we were married and they weren’t around yet…reminding them of things that happened when they were much younger that included dad.

Keeping memories alive and keeping him alive is important to me.

I’ve had a few people tell me about sudden deaths that happened in their families and how the deceased was just never spoken of again.

And how hard that was for the children.

How my kids will grow and deal with the loss of their father is different than how I will deal with the loss of my partner.

I am Yoko Ono.

They are every fatherless young girl that’s lived.

I think unexpected death is a different kind of grief to process than a death that you knew was coming.

Well, we are all going to die…but when a goodbye isn’t allowed before someone dies, it’s harder to process…harder to understand…harder to think about all of the things left unresolved.

I am in NO WAY saying that my husband’s death is harder than the death of anyone you knew that has died.

But, it’s different. It’s mine.

And it’s completely different than anyone dealing with the death of a young child. Whether you saw it coming or not…that’s something I can not fathom at all.

The sudden loss of someone that you slept next to every night and who you were the most intimate with in life is mind altering.

I keep thinking he’s going to come home any moment.

And I’ll be like “where in the hell have you been Mister?”

I have the rest of my life to process the why…

-why did you have to leave us?

In the meantime…we will soldier on.

We will keep doing us.

We will make new memories and we will remember to speak openly about our guy when we are making our new memories.

We will keep him alive for us…and only for us.

This is our journey.

We chose to donate what was viable from his body so that others may live.

So that others may benefit from his eyes and bones and skin.

He’s still out there somewhere…

…I take comfort in that.

One thought on “Alive

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