It’s been almost three months.
Three months since our lives stopped being what they were and abruptly switched to a bad made-for-tv movie.
There is a draginess to things now.
A deep underlying sorrow.
I do manage to get things done.
I manage my kids’ schedules and I manage the farm and I have even managed to get myself to substitute teaching jobs.
But, I feel off all of the time.
Like I have forgotten something.
I have misplaced something very important and I can’t seem to recall where I left it.
But, I haven’t misplaced anything at all…
my husband suddenly died and a large part of me died that day, too.
I recently had a birthday and it’s very foreign to me to grow another year older knowing that my husband will forever be 46 years old.
And one day his daughters will be 46 years old.
Then they will surpass that age.
They will one day be older than their father ever was.
Each day without him gets a bit easier, but I still haven’t (and neither has Zoe) been able to get out from under the vision.
The vision being the moment we found him dead and what happened during those initial frantic moments.
But, I have reassured both her and myself that in time the memory will fade.
It will be forgotten.
Memories that include him have stuck themselves at the forefront of my mind.
Baseball season started last week.
Chad loved baseball (a game he wasn’t allowed to play as a kid, so he became a stats guy memorizing everything baseball related resulting in a love for ALL baseball) and on the first day of Major League baseball play, he would have his list printed out of which dates and which television channels he would be able to see the White Sox play.
And the Cubs, too.
He did love his Chicago teams above all else.
We started taking Zoe to baseball games when she was 3 months old.
Baseball was something he really wanted his daughters to love as much as he did.
And they do.
The girls and I will more than likely go to a game this year. We try to see at least one or two live games each season.
Zoe actually performs every year with her school band at Busch Stadium in St. Louis during a Cards/Cub game.
But, I have a feeling that it will seem like we have forgotten something the entire time we are there.
While we eat our hot dogs and nachos and wave our big foam finger during a 3/2 count, we will feel like something is missing…
that something being our family’s biggest baseball fan.