I tried to make popcorn on the stove last evening.
I burned most of it.
My husband always made me popcorn on the stove. It’s my favorite evening snack. We don’t own a microwave and I don’t want the extras that are in microwave popcorn bags anyway.
He didn’t even like to eat popcorn. He did it for me.
It’s just one of the many things that we are going to have to contend with without him in our lives.
Our losses will be felt as both minor and major thuds to our hearts.
The popcorn is a minor loss.
Zoe’s birthday today will be felt as a major loss for us.
We may not verbalize it.
We may not show one another how we feel.
But it’s there.
He’s not here today with Zoe…kissing her on the forehead the moment she wakes and telling her about a movie trailer he watched last night that he knows she will love.
He won’t be here when Gigi turns 11 in the Fall.
He won’t be here when they go into high school…learn to drive…fall in love…
Today is the beginning of many life events without Chad.
We hosted family yesterday to celebrate Zoe’s birthday. I had asked her a few times if this was something she wanted to do. She said “yes” and I think she wanted to feel like it was any other birthday for her.
I felt a loneliness from the moment I woke up yesterday.
Knowing he wouldn’t be scooping the ice cream.
Knowing he wouldn’t be lighting the candles on the giant cookie I made.
Knowing he wouldn’t be standing next to me smiling at our daughter.
A loneliness that physically drained me.
I was really feeling the hole that’s been left in my soul.
It’s been a month.
A month since I found my best friend motionless on our bed.
A month of tears and anger and numbness.
A month of living without the one person who knew me better than anyone else.
A month without the man who didn’t burn the popcorn…