No Goodbye

My husband died.

It’s been almost three weeks.

One moment he was talking to me, reasoning with me, seeing me.

I watched him walk down the hallway towards our living room.

Not knowing it would be the last time that I would speak to him.

See his legs in motion.

Watch him breathe.

I didn’t get to say goodbye.

Our daughters, sitting just on the other side of a wall, didn’t get to say goodbye.

In an instant, truly an instant, he left us.

He was only 46…

His heart, a heart that was so full of love for me and our girls, ceased in its function.

I don’t know if I should talk about him in the present or past tense.

Present tense…will people think I’m not coping?

Past tense…that’s what society says is correct.

Within four hours of his death I was told by two different people that I wasn’t reacting correctly.

I think people watch too many movies.

Life’s script is not actually created in Hollywood.

My life has been both interesting and horrible.

I don’t know why those that live with me have experienced what they have…childhood cancer and now death.

I feel cursed.

And scared.

Scared for my children.

Scared for myself.

We miss Man-Farmer.

His quirks, his laughter, his bad dance moves, his popcorn making abilities.

His smile.

His eyes.

His breath on our necks when giving hugs.

His forehead kisses that he gave all too often.

My husband has died.

Life is currently on pause…

8 thoughts on “No Goodbye

  1. I’m so sorry for all of the tragedies your family has endured. It’s not fair at all. I know there’s nothing I can say to lessen the pain but you are loved and we pray for y’all every night for strength to get through this. You have every right to feel like you are feeling. Keep writing —for some of us, it is the best therapy in the world.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Jennifer,

    There are no words…..I am sending prayers and love to help you through this terrible tragedy. You speak of him how you want to, he was your husband, the father of your children, your soulmate and your rock. Don’t let anyone tell you any different. This king and praying for you and the girls.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Life can change in an instant as you have found out twice. Jen, speak of him often. His spirit will stay alive through you and the girls. It’s important that in the years to come, people who never met him will feel like they know him. Carry him with you as you and the girls move through your life.

    Greg and I are keeping you, Zoe, and Gigi in our thoughts and prayers.

    I heard a quote once that had stuck with me. “Keep living until you are alive again”

    Liked by 1 person

  4. There are no words that can convey how sad we are for you. Your writing is wonderful and so real. Thank you for letting us know how you are doing. Your experience is akin to losing someone being struck by lightning. There are no answers and no rhyme or reason. Keeping you and the girls close. Your dance and choir families love you.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I didn’t know him, but through your writing I feel like I did. Never doubt your actions- you are strong and will handle what life throws at you in your own way, in your own time. Speak of him often and know he will always be there with you. I’m so very sorry this happened. You are an amazing person with 2 beautiful girls who are surrounded by lots of support. Lean on those around you now, later and for however long you need to. Please don’t stop sharing your writing♡♡♡

    Liked by 1 person

  6. So very sorry, Jen… I have lost several dear ones suddenly, and some slowly. Both are hard and okay in some ways, but the sudden, unexpected deaths have lingered longer as sharp edged memories. It is hard, give yourself all the time you need to come to your own strength again. You all go on, even if you can’t see the ones who have passed to “the other side”. Love and blessings.

    Liked by 1 person

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