I Don’t Get It

I know you have been wondering about things that happen to me that I just don’t get.

I don’t understand many things about life.

Ignorance is my middle name and I’m not afraid to spell it out…

I

Am

Dumb

For instance…how does the cellular telephone work?

Texting…calls…what is happening?!?!

I’ve been boggled by television for decades.

How does that moving picture make it’s way through the air and get into the smallish black box (why are all televisions black?  That’s another thing I don’t know!) in my house?

Don’t get me started on The Cloud.

I know none of you really knows what that Cloud crap is all about either so don’t try to act like you do!  If per chance you DO know how these things work, don’t tell me…I like living with mystery in my life.

It’s all just too much for my wee brain cells.

Other things that completely mess with my brain are…

-how can the dog hear me drop a 2 inch long breadstick into his dog food bowl that’s in the kitchen where the dishwasher is running, the cd player is blasting out some Ed Sheeran, and the clothes dryer is tumbling the latest load of clothes I’ve just washed, all while he’s asleep in the living room YET he can’t hear me yelling at him (while I stand right next to the damn fool) to stop rolling in the “whatever that is that he’s rolling in” in the yard because he’s going to stink and I do NOT want to give him a bath.

IMG_9394

-why is it that my dad is getting a new knee in a few weeks and he has to take a 3 hour class on how the machine works that the doctor is going to use to give him that new knee?  Are they hoping that there’s an “IN CASE” involved and they want to cover all of their bases?  Like “IN CASE” we all suddenly die during your procedure, you will need to finish the surgery yourself Bob.  Or “IN CASE” we suddenly forget what in the hell we are doing and “why am I wearing this scrub gown?” you can complete the task at hand.  Or is it a simple case of “look at this way cool new toy we got that we want to show off and we want you to buy stock in this company that made this amazing robotic surgery possible!” WHO KNOWS!  I don’t need you to tell me detail by detail how the surgery will go, I just want YOU DOCTOR to know how to work the machine!”  A pencil drawing is sufficient, thanks.

-speaking of new knees…why is it that my 9 year old daughter is so gullible that she believes me when I say that grandpa is getting a new robotic knee and it will be remote controlled and it will be silver just like, you know, a robot.  And she has said things like…
“That’s too weird and I’m NOT going to look at a silver knee!”  
“He won’t be able to swim anymore because it will rust in the pool!”
“Why can’t he have a normal colored leg when it’s all done?!”
And then she believes me when I say…
“Don’t make Gpa feel bad about becoming a robot.”
“He’s getting the anti-rust protectorant applied, so swimming won’t be a problem.”  
“For an extra fee, he can get it painted a flesh color, why don’t you ask him to get that put on so he won’t look so strange in shorts.”
I love that I can trick her like this…she’s a very trusting girl who has a mother who likes to stretch the truth (i.e. lie to small children).

gpa and gigi

-One last thing…how did my first born child turn into a teenager?  She’s going to be 13 in 5 days time.  WHA?!?!  She was just born!  She was just pooping in her Dora The Explorer Pampers Pull-Up while hiding behind the living room chair and grunting “NNNOOOO” when we asked her “are you pooping?”  That just happened!  Well…

I guess that was more than a decade ago now.  Our children grow up and get bigger and smarter and one day leave our homes…start their own life.  Heck, her life started the moment we met her.  On that cold February evening 13 years ago in Evanston. She’s amazingly inquisitive, loves to learn, can stand on her toes in both pointe shoes and tap shoes, and she has faced demons and won the biggest battle that I hope she EVER has to fight.

It boggles my mind…

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