I went to my youngest daughter’ s school to help count money with fellow PTO moms.
We were counting donations given to students for a fundraiser.
It was only after I was back home that I saw the GIANT BLACK HAIR sticking out of my chin.
Carrie is the mom who was sitting to my left and was closest to my whisker.
And all of the other moms there were wearing shirts with our kids’ school logo on it.
I was wearing a shirt with my husband’s work on it…
My oldest wants to be Dr. John Watson for Halloween.
Oh, Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson.
What does he wear?
A bowler hat and a suit, ya say?
And a big fuzzy mustache.
Gender-bender costume it will be.
And her sister…
She wants to be the devil.
We have tried to explain to her that Halloween is about dressing up as something that you aren’t.
“What is that supposed to mean?” she asked begrudgingly.
“You are already the devil” her sister matter-of-factly responded.
I made a lemon meringue pie.
I would have liked to make an apple pie, but I haven’t been to a good orchard yet and don’t want to use store apples during fall pie baking season.
It seems wrong.
So, I made lemon pie.
And rolling out my dough was one of the most magical things I had done in a long time.
Because I finally have a useable work surface in my kitchen.
I have a new *used* butcher block table.
NEW to my house, but USED as it’s from my husband’s work.
The work that was on my shirt when I was with the other moms who screamed school spirit.
The stray who has stayed, Cornstalk, has found his way into our house.
He isn’t neutered yet and I have a huge fear that he’s going to spray his tom-cat stink on my new couch.
So we try to corral him in the kitchen and dining room areas.
But, I did find him here on Monday…
I feel a distance growing within myself.
A distance with others.
With my past.
That doesn’t want to be in my future.
People from the past getting farther away from me.
Our commonalities are not what they once were.
And I’m okay with that, I think.
I have unfollowed 99% of people I have “friended” on FB.
Meaningful conversations seem to have flown the coop.
Society is shifting into a nasty place.
And I’m trying to shut it out.
There are so many “causes” and I feel as if I can’t communicate what moves me anymore because people are done.
I’m trying to surround my small little life on this planet with people who care about me.
Who are generally interested.
And I’m finding that my circle is getting smaller and smaller and smaller every passing day.
I don’t think most people will even realize I’m gone.
My oldest is on her school yearbook staff this school season.
She is a photographer and we have been working on “getting a good shot.”
Photography has become a passion for me.
Finding the right light.
Finding a good subject.
Waiting and waiting for the best shot.
She went to her first assignment…middle school girls basketball game.
She got some really good pictures.
“I had NO idea what was happening out there” said my non-sports kid when I picked her up from the game.
“As long as you got the shot on your camera” I told her.
I love that she is artistic.
She writes stories.
She plays music.
She takes pictures.
Some people are meant to play sports.
And some people are meant to take amazing photographs of those people.
We all have a place.
I have learned that finding a purposeful life for myself is infinitely harder the older I get.
I don’t really know what to do with myself anymore.
Don’t know who I’m supposed to be.
I used to be…college student.
Then I was…dancer.
Then I was…veterinary technician.
Then I became…mom.
Then I became a…momcologist.
My least favorite but most meaningful job assignment to date.
Then I became…recess lady at my kids’ school.
Then I became………
I am feeling purposeless.
I am on the substitute teacher list at my kids’ school, but no one has called me to sub.
So I sit.
And hear about all of the subs that are at the school (my kids are sure to tell me where they saw subs during the school day) and I get into my own head more and more…
did I offend someone?
do they not want me at school?
What’s my purpose now?
I have many interests, but how do I make money doing them?
I’m still working on it.
Wondering if I’ll ever find purpose again…